The next two parts will be a much
more difficult for me to write because it involves my relationship with my parents.
They “got saved” in mid 1972 and both of them in various ways greatly
influenced my walk with the Lord. Because of their influence upon me I think it
is important to explain my reasons for not sugar coating my relationship with them.
It is always hard to write about
someone you love especially if you are trying to give an accurate accounting of
something, in my case my faith walk. One of my pet peeves is slanted history,
history that only tells one point of view. History is, it is neither good or
bad it just is. I am to a great extent
my parents and other relatives who have been a part of my life. Each has
influenced in some way the person I’ve become.
We all have parts of ourselves that
are unattractive but it’s our unattractiveness as much as our beauty that makes
us who we are. As much as I loved my parents they like all of us they had parts
of their personalities that were unattractive and parts that made them
beautiful. I inherited many of their traits.
My dad was a complex man who never
stopped trying to be a better person. Sadly he failed more than he succeeded. He
never learned how to heal from the hurts he suffered throughout his life. He
was like the “Boxer” in Paul Simon’s song of the same name. These lyrics define
him perfectly:
“And he
carries the reminders, Of ev’ry glove that laid him down, And cut him till he
cried out, In his anger and his shame, ‘I am leaving, I am leaving’ But the
fighter still remains.”
He never learned to forgive and forget. He couldn’t resist picking
at every wound he suffered and keeping them open and bleeding. But he was never
satisfied with himself and was acutely aware of his failings. Through it all
though he knew that he was forgiven by a Lord and Savior who loves flawed people
just like him. He often quoted Ephesians 2:8 “it is by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of
yourselves, it is a gift of God” and verse 9, “not by works, so that no one can boast.” He hung on to these
verses as a drowning man hangs on to a life preserver.
Sadly, grudge holding is one of the
negative traits I’ve inherited from my dad. I’ve had to fight it all my life.
Thankfully Susan, my wife and soul mate has managed for the most part to keep
me from following in his footsteps, mostly. Yet there is always a part of me
that like my dad wants to punch back at those who cross me especially after I’ve
done them good.
In the end however, I know I must
act different from what I think and how I so want to act. I have to remind
myself very often who’s I am, I Corinthians 6:19-20 says “you are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God
with your bodies.” I have found that being a follower of Jesus is not for
the weak willed. Many times it is only by God’s grace and Susan talking me down
that I don’t follow my urge to rip someone’s head off. Having been bullied in
my youth it is very hard for me now not to beat the hell out of someone who
irritates, pushes or threatens me. I
have found that withdrawing from such situations and people is the only way sometimes
that I can maintain control of myself that and a lot of prayer.
My dad was a force in my life he
was one of the best men I ever knew and one of the worst. He could be kind and
gentle but he was also at times selfish, self-absorbed and self-centered. He
had a drinking problem that made him verbally abusive to those he loved. Yet he could put it all aside to help a relative
or friend in need and did so many times often without getting a thank you. Yet he was always there to help even in some
of the worst situations.
His walk with Christ and mine
paralleled each other. He was the anti-me. I didn’t talk much about my faith;
he never stopped talking about it. He studied eschatology and was passionate
about the end times. I wanted to learn about who God is and how He wants us to
live. (Though to be honest I have an interest in eschatology and love to study
it.) He use to say, “you’ve got to hit’m right between the eyes with the Gospel.”
I believe example more than words.
In the end though was my dad who
got me to really study the Bible for all its worth. At first it was so I could
argue scripture with him and even win sometimes. Then after I learned it wasn’t
about winning arguments it was about learning about God is that is really
important that I developed a love affair with God’s word.
Next: My mother’s Influence
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